Are you a bad parent?
Every parent makes mistakes (we’re all human, right?), but some mistakes and behaviors have longer-term repercussions than others on your child. You are the most important person in your child’s life, so what you say and do has a huge impact on them—now and in the future. The good news, though, is it’s never too late to make changes to ensure you’re raising your child in a safe, healthy, and loving environment. To start, be sure to skip these parenting no-nos:
1. Spanking—Spanking can be subject of heated debate. Many parents firmly believe in spanking as a discipline tactic. One survey found that 57 percent of mothers and 40 percent of fathers engaged in spanking when children were age 3. But child-rearing and medical experts are almost unanimous in their opposition to spanking. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), spanking is linked to everything from an increase in aggressive behavior to possible mental illness.
2. Giving in to your child—Children thrive when consistent, firm boundaries are in place, so raising a child in a boundary-free environment where there are no consequences for bad behavior and every whim is indulged can actually create long-term problems at home and school. Timeouts, setting rules, and talking calmly to your child about expectations can help them stay on the right track.
3. Allowing too much TV time—The AAP recommends that children watch no more than two hours of television per day, while kids under two shouldn’t have any screen time at all. Excessive viewing can increase weight gain and aggression, as well as decrease vocabulary, math skills, and attention.
4. Feeding your child too much junk—A healthy diet is essential to your child’s health, both physically and mentally. Not only can a diet filled with processed foods cause weight gain, but studies show that children that eat a lot of junk food have slightly lower IQs and more difficulty focusing in school.
5. No set bed time—Not only do children need a good night’s sleep to stay healthy and be alert at school, but research shows that not having a set bed time can actually lead to behavioral problems.
6. Skimping on quality time—Being involved in your child’s life not only helps keep them out of trouble, but it also boosts their self-esteem. There is no “magic number” for how many hours a day you should spend with your child, but it’s important that when you are spending time with your child, you are focused on the child and engaged.
7. Engaging in substance abuse—Children with parents that abuse drugs and alcohol are more likely to experience physical, intellectual, social, and emotional problems. They’re also more likely to have substance abuse issues when they get older.
Reviewed by Dr. Eva Benmeleh, September 2020
Takeaways
- All parents make mistakes, but avoiding some of the biggest can help ensure a healthy and happy environment for your child.
- Spanking, engaging in substance abuse, and not spending time with your child can cause behavioral problems.
- Giving your child consistency, such as a set bed time, will also help them stay healthy, both physically and emotionally.
So, the baby signing videos are bad for babies?
In regards to the TV time, I think it’s inversely related to the amount of quality time you are spending with your child. Some TV is okay, only as long as it’s not replacing the time you spend talking or playing face-to-face.
You are right, Joshua. Nothing replaces the benefit of quality face-to-face time. Even with face-to-face time with our children quality is more important than quantity.
oh boy looks like my son wont be happy about no tv time. She likes it on but she doesn’t really watch it. Just like listening to it in the background
This would have to be my favorite article. All of these parenting no-no’s are areas that I need to grow in. Days can be challenging though because my husband is in the military and deploys quite frequently, so I can get overwhelmed and stressed out. I have learned to take each day one day at a time and to learn new ways to be a better mom to my son.
Hi Serena,
First, I want to say thank you for your husband’s service to our country and all the support you give him to do it. Being part of a military family comes at a great sacrifice you both have to make. In many ways you are a single mom at times and that is no easy task. It is easy to become overwhelmed and stressed. It happens to the best of us. It is always a good thing to learn new ways to become a better mom. I want to encourage you to be sure to take time out for yourself too. No matter what we “know” we can only “perform” at our best we we are in good shape too. 🙂
When we had our first child, my wife and I had the “to spank or not to spank” conversation. She wasn’t against it (“I was spanked and I turned out fine”), but I was deeply opposed to any kind of spanking. Because she could see how strongly I felt, she agreed and we’ve never spanked either of our children. This was before I even knew the research that spanking and other forms of physical discipline have potential long-term negative consequences. To me, the issue was simple: if I’m going to teach my child not to hit, not to solve problems or frustrations with physical violence, then it begins with me. I’m the role model, and the sheer hypocrisy of it (“Don’t hit or I’ll hit you!”) was more than I could wrap my head around. Now, my wife is very glad we didn’t spank.
One of the things that disturbs me a little about this topic is the idea that spanking equals respect, or that we’re somehow coddling children by not spanking them. I call this the Old Man Witherspoon Argument. If you’ve ever seen old episodes of Scooby-Doo, you know that scene at the end when the ghost is unmasked and Fred goes, “It’s Old Man Witherspoon!” And then Old Man Witherspoon goes, “And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” The Old Man Witherspoon Argument relies on the idea that “kids today” are coddled, spoiled brats. That in the sepia-toned Good Old Days, everything was better: our parents were better parents, kids were better behaved, life was just simpler, darn it, and men were real men and women were happy homemakers. But here’s the thing: every generation of kids is rotten to the core. If you don’t believe me, just ask the generation that’s raising them. Admit it, parents, you were “those rotten kids” too when you were younger, whether you were raised in the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, or 1980s. Every single generation complains about the one that follows as weak, coddled, spoiled, undisciplined, etc. (and in this case, spanking is somehow supposed to reverse this). So here’s what I think: today’s world is complicated and difficult to navigate. Life has always been hard, but our kids will face a world where you can make a mistake on social media that will destroy your social life, where it costs a quarter of a million dollars to attend many colleges, where the job market has been depressed for almost a decade, where they will be measured by standardized tests endlessly and face a competitive landscape that’s breathtaking. I have older kids as well as young child, and I’m impressed to the soles of my feet with today’s kids. I think they’re going to do great things. Even the ones who don’t get spanked, no matter how much Old Man Witherspoon complains about them.
“Don’t hit or I’ll hit you!” And spanking = respect. Two arguments for spanking that are bad logic. All research aside, it’s difficult for me to think spanking is a smart when these are the two main cases for it. Does spanking work? Probably for a lot of kids. But Brad W. is right- it’s the easy way out. Speaking as a reformed spanker from the South (Southern people spank generally), I never thought about another option for discipline. In the beginning, we spanked because our parents spanked us. The more we read and thought about it, the more we realized it wasn’t the decision we wanted to make. Just because something is common practice doesn’t make it right. Whether parents spank or don’t spank- I encourage all of us to know our options, read the research that’s out there, and make an educated decision. If we as people always do things only because they’re always done, this world would not be the bustling place of growth and advancement that it is.
i do think this is a great article, but maybe hard to read for us as parents. None of us want to be labeled a “bad parent”, but there is no doubt the each of us has fallen short at one time or another in one of these 7 areas discussed. The hardest one for me is TV time. I have tried to be very strict about this one since my son was born 2.5 years ago. It is hard. until 2, I tried to not let him watch any TV, but it was everywhere. My son LOVES TV. Since he turned 2 and we have been tracking the amount of time he gets to spend at the TV, it is a constant struggle. I am constantly needing to come up with really fun and creative things to do that will keep his interest in other things.
As far as the spanking goes, we do not do it in our house. I am not going to lie and say that I haven’t wanted to swat his little booty at times when he is really testing me because I feel that I am hard wired to do that. I grew up with the idea that spanking is the norm and OK. Yes, our parents spanked us and we turned out fine. I want my kid to turn out better than me:) My grandmother hates the idea of car seats and how they are so restraining. She always says says ” Our kids just sat on the seat, and they are all fine.” Well, I bet that is not what all of the parents whose children died in car accidents say about the subject. We as a society are constantly learning and evolving. We now have so much research that tells us about the damage spanking does to children. I agree with Bad W.’s idea that spanking is the easy way out. Yes, it works, but it also has lots of negatives that come along with it. being a good parent is hard. You have to find a better way to get your child to follow directions that does not include physically hurting them. I am not saying that parents who spank are bad parents. Like I said, it is kind of natural to us, and it does work. I just feel that it is not the best way.
Every child and every parent is different when it comes to temperament and personality. Because of this it is important to tailor our discipline strategies to each of our children. I have 3 boys and I have to employ different approaches with each of them. Bottom line is that each of you is the expert on your own children. There are several ways to approach every situation, some better than others. Children and parents alike will make mistakes, it is not a matter of if but when. When we do, does that make us “bad” parents? No. Could there have been a more effective or appropriate choice? Maybe so. It is no different than when a child does something bad. I try separate the choice from the individual. I try to build up my kids by implying, “It’s the choice that was bad, not you.”
Also, I want to stress that I don’t think you should be considered a “Bad Parent” for choosing to spank your child.
I agree, there is a different between spanking and beating. Parents shouldn’t feel guilty for spanking, but they should for beating. I have read many articles on how our society is raising children to grow up and continue being children and feeling a sense of entitlement. Where is the empathy and respect for one another? Those are things we need to teach and harbor.
It seems like spanking is the biggest point of contention with this article. I admit, I have popped my son’s hand on occasion (when he continues to grab a handful of the dog’s food and runs away from me giggling with glee no matter how many times I say “no no” or pop his hand and hurt his feelings), and yes, most of those times it has been more out of frustration than out of wanting to discipline him. I never received spankings growing up, but my sister’s did. I either didn’t get caught or only got the threat before I straightened my act up. So I’m on the fence about “real” spanking. I would like to try a less aggressive method of discipline, but I also fear a world without real consequences for your actions. I, like Brad W., feel like we’ve gone soft. Children walk all over their parents and teachers these days (and in most cases, the parents are the ones helping the kids walk all over the teachers!). That type of behavior would never have been tolerated when I was in school. We feared a trip to the principal’s office. Now kids get sent home and are given zeros on their schoolwork for the day…do you think that makes a difference? Wow, I’m going off on a tangent… Back to spanking: I don’t want my son to think I’m an evil monster for choosing to spank or that he can walk all over me and that life is a bunch of lollipops and rainbows if I choose not to spank, so how do you strike a healthy balance? I honestly don’t think there’s a right answer here.
I like this article as well. I think if all of these guidelines are followed, you’re a GREAT parent and wow, I applaud you. Because, honestly some of these are tough to abide by in everyday life. There’s been a few spankings here in my house, more like a “tough patting on the behind”, but I really don’t like it, so they’re very rare. It’s so hard not to give in to your children sometimes, but I can honestly say, we are very good about sticking with what we say around here. I’ll give a warning when the kids do something bad, and if it’s done again, then they won’t be allowed something, etc. I’m not going to say that happens ALL the time, but we try our best. I’m very good about food and giving them three healthy meals a day and two snacks. There is a treat here and there, but we are great about staying away from junk food. And finally bed time. That’s another we really stick to. Getting enough sleep is very important around here and I agree, it helps your childs temperament and it’ll help all of you in the long run to stick with a bedtime routine! I could go on but these are great points to try and follow.
I like the article I was raised with spanking and I turned out just fine and tryin to tell me your not aloud to spank your child. Time outs never work aleast it didnt work for me. Thats the only part of the article I don’t agree with.
What age do you think spanking should be okay? I was also raised being spanked and my mom now admits that she wishes she would’ve had a different approach because it only made me act out more.
I love these, especially setting a bedtime (hey, I need one, why wouldn’t my child??) and watching what they eat. Actually, while I was pregnant I started doing a LOT of research on the benefits of organic food and the crazy crap in processed foods nowadays. I’m hoping to turn my little girl into a good eater with healthy habits. (Fingers crossed!)
I do think I’ll run into an issue with my husband about spanking. I’m not planning on spanking our daughter (she’s only 3 months now so we have awhile before this becomes an issue) but he plans on using it if needed. Can you believe- he graduated high school 10 years ago and THEY STILL SPANKED KIDS THEN?! They probably still do, come to think of it. I was shocked to hear that. So obviously he was raised with spanking as an option.
What’s the best way to come to a middle ground on such a big issue?
Great question, Holly. I would say education- discussing what you read together, and evaluating information on different types of discipline methods- before you need it.
Hi Holly,
Open and honest communication. Talk often. Stephanie is right, discuss strategies of discipline before it is needed, so when the time comes you present a united front to your daughter.
I deal with that same issue my wife (spank or not). We have both done it, but don’t like it. It seems that every time I feel like the next step will be a spanking, I can remind myself that spanking can be a result of frustration and losing your cool; basically, the easy way out. I force myself to think of something else, think out of the box. Never spank with agression.
I like this article, and whole heartedly agree. However, I also truly believe that the new generation of parents is “wussifying” America. A lot of us say our parents or grandparents are our heroes and role models. Well, back in their day you got a physical punishment if you talked back. I’m not advocating spanking or hitting your child. For some reason, a lot of things they did “made you tougher.” But the same treatment now causes us to break down and become weak. Why?
I agree with a lot about this article as well, and like you Brad I find it interesting why our generation is focusing so much on “gentle parenting” and letting our children run the household. I think it’s important to set up routines and stick with them. I don’t believe in punishing your child out of frustration but sometimes a quick time out for the both of you helps clear your mind and approach the situation with calmness and respect towards your child. In our home we try very hard to show our twins that we can be fun with them and engage them often but they also know when we mean business and we don’t have to beat them in order to get that respect. They are only 2 years old and I know as they grow our discipline will grow with them.
Our girls help us set the table, bring their dish to the sink when they are finished eating, throw away any trash left over from a snack, help bring in groceries, and they even help each other out and encourage each other with “good job” and “try again” behavior. I believe these things are becoming apart of them because we try hard to be as involved and to teach them with every situation that presents itself. Children are always willing to learn and it’s our responsibility to teach them. Just like it’s our responsibility to teach them good eating and sleeping habits and they want to model after us so we need to make good choices.