It’s so hard to get that kind of treatment from our kids. From your post, I understand that there seems to be many things that have affected your family’s stability and your daughter may be reacting to these issues. It sounds like you are doing what you can now to be a part of your children’s lives, but I wonder if you’ve talked about the issues that separated you guys. Also, it would help before starting any discussion, to put yourself in her shoes for a moment and even ask her what her experience has been like and what she finds has been difficult for her to cope with. You may be surprised with what she has to say and once you are able to see from her point of view, your tone may change as well and you will have more tools to communicate with her and build a relationship. Good luck!
I cannot overstate the importance of a great therapist for both you and your daughter. Children internalize family issues in ways we often don’t see as adults, so finding someone that she can eventually open up to might really help. Ask her school to get involved or ask her pediatrician for help finding someone locally. As a parent, you need a safe place to express your feelings too – some counseling may also help you feel better. Most important, be a safe consistent person in her life. Respond to hate with kindness, empathy and understanding but without being a push over. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. You can do this!