8 ways for you to make time for sex after kids

Posted By Xanet Pailet
October 2, 2014

If you’re having problems figuring out how to make time for intimacy and sex in your life, you’re not alone. In a recent national survey, only 15 percent of couples reported having sex 2-3 times per week. Four percent reported having sex more than four times a week. We are a sex-starved nation!

There are lots of reasons couples might not be having as much sex as they wish. Between our work and home lives, everyone is trying to cram more activity into less time. And forget about it if you’re also a parent: the demands of caring for children can overwhelm any scheduling, leaving us physically and emotionally exhausted. It’s easy to understand how what was once a passionate, sexual relationship can quickly morph into a good night cuddle…on a good night.

Working on our sex life is no different than keeping ourselves in good physical shape. When we stop exercising and eating well, our body starts to fall apart. Our exercise routine becomes an uncomfortable memory, and it can be painful, awkward, and embarrassing to get back into the gym. It’s the same with sex. Once we get out of the routine of having sex on a regular basis, it’s increasingly hard to get back into it. Even with a partner of many years, it may feel awkward, uncomfortable, and not pleasurable.

Here are some easy tips to rev up your sex life.

1. Put it on the calendar! No, really. Just like you make plans with your partner to go to the movies and dinner, you need to schedule a weekly date to make time for intimacy and sex. Not only does this make it a priority in your life, but it also gives you an opportunity to plan the date.

2. Build up excitement and start foreplay long before the date actually happens. This can consist of sexy texts or emails that leave a little to the imagination.

3. Create the mood and set the scene. Chose a theme for the date, dress accordingly, and embellish the space. It’s amazing how lighting some candles, throwing up some scarves to cover lamps, and playing some sexy music can transform a space.

4. Find a sensual way to relax together. Take a bath or shower together in candlelight. Water is very grounding, purifying, and helps us release stress and emotions.

5. Create a ritual for when you move into intimacy. Even if you are about to play out your hottest sexual fantasy, start your date by connecting with each other and sharing some words of appreciation. One of my favorite rituals is for each partner to have three minutes to say “What I love about you is….” and continue to repeat that sentence with new acknowledgements each time while the other partner takes it in.

6. Take the pressure off of sex and remove any goals or expectations. Performance anxiety trips up men and woman all the time and takes us out of our body, making it that much harder to experience pleasure.

7. Take judgment out of the bedroom and SLOW THINGS DOWN. Consider taking turns giving and receiving to each other. So many men are natural givers, wanting to please their partner. But it’s important for men to be able to learn how to fully surrender and receive pleasure as well.

8. Keep everyday conversation out of the bedroom. This is not the time to talk about the kid’s schedules or the dog or the problems at the office. They will all still be there when your date is over.

It is never too late to make time for intimacy and sex in your life. So if you feel you are out of shape, there is one easy thing you can do: get back to the gym and start exercising!

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About Xanet Pailet

Xanet Pailet is a sex therapist with NewboRN-Solutions, a registered nursing Corporation. Contact NewboRN-Solutions for additional information or a consult with Xanet or another one of their 60+ experts.


  1. As amazing as it’d be to have sex or intimacy more often, there’s just not enough hrs in the day and when you have a daily routine it’s even harder so even a nighttime quickie is good enough for me, i mean it’s better than nothing.

  2. Great advice! However, “create the mood and set the scene” is probably why we aren’t having as much sex. Because we’re too worn out to do that!

    What study was it that you referenced for the %15? The Huff post study says married couples in 20’s have sex 111 times per year, with an average 20% decrease each decade. Women’s – avg person has sex 103 times a year. And Webmd – married couples between 30-39 yrs old avg about 7 times a month. All of those study’s make it seem like folks are having quite a bit of sex.

    Is 2-3 times/week considered a healthy sex life?

    1. I agree about the scheduling thing, however, I’ve never tried it.

  3. Xanet is a wonderful expert with NewboRN-Solutions, A Registered Nursing Corporation. Thank you for your open, helpful and honest style and approach!


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