“Dear moms of little kids” (how to maintain intimacy)

In this video, I want to talk to all my mommas of little kids. I am a momma of little kids, ages three, five, and eight. I have been there, and I know exactly what you’re going through. I’m going through it now too.

Oftentimes, as moms of little kids, we are overworked, overstressed, and touched out. We are literally looking for ten minutes in our day where nobody needs anything from us—and that’s a really hard place to be when you’re trying to prioritize intimacy.

I’ve learned a lot from Dr. Mintz, the psychologist who is working with us on Rosy. She calls the little kid years the “do no harm” years. Basically, what that means is that you had a great connection with your partner before you had a baby, and then you have a baby and that connection is strained. This new, little human requires so much of your time and attention, and you love them and prioritize them over everything, but eventually you want to get back to that really full and robust connection with your partner.

However, in this time where these little humans require so much of our time, prioritizing intimacy can be really difficult. But it’s really important, so that when we need that real, full connection after our children are a little bit older, we still have it. You can hold onto that connection with your partner through these do-no-harm years.

For this next part, I’m going get real and talk about sex with little kids around. No one ever talks about this, but this is a reality of life. If you want to keep your partner connection strong, you have to figure out how to make this happen.

The reality of it is, sometimes sex with little kids is different—most of the time it is. Sometimes it’s first thing in the morning before the kids have awakened. Sometimes it’s during nap times in the afternoon (that’s a really common thing that I hear). Other times, there might be a crying kid at your locked door. That’s not very sexy, but that’s the reality of life. Maybe sometimes you’re handing out the iPads, or putting them in front of their favorite TV show with a sweet treat to leave you alone.

Those things are fine—who cares? It’s five or ten minutes out of their day to really strengthen that relationship with your partner. Sometimes, there’s a babysitter downstairs feeding your children dinner while you’re getting ready, right? Other times, maybe you’re co-sleeping and there’s a sleeping baby in your room while you have sex. That’s the reality of having young children while trying to maintain that intimate relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

You have permission—and actually, it should be a priority to maintain that relationship with your partner. So don’t worry, nothing’s wrong! Just change your expectations for your sexual relationship during this time, and if you can find little pockets to prioritize intimacy, it will really help you to, in fact, do no harm for the long and enduring relationship with your partner.