Dr. Sara responds to reader comments on Forgotten Baby Syndrome
Every so often, one of our articles hits a nerve—and based on the many passionate responses we received on Facebook, my last article on Forgotten Baby Syndrome: Why parents leave children in hot cars hit a whole nerve bundle. We always welcome feedback and even disagreement here at Bundoo, and I thought this was a good opportunity to talk about how parents treat each other. Many of the commenters felt strongly that when a child is injured or dies due to hyperthermia after being left in a hot car, it is murder. Very few commenters expressed empathy for the families that claim to have forgotten their child.
To me, it felt like in many cases the readers confused an explanation with an excuse. In fact, explanations are essential to increasing our understanding of something, even something as terrible as forgetting a child in a hot car. Explanations are the first step toward preventing it, because while it might be easy to simply demonize parents who forget their children like this, no deaths will ever be prevented if we refuse to understand how it can happen in the first place.
After reading the comments, I went back to Dr. David Diamond, professor of psychology, molecular pharmacology, and physiology at the University of South Florida, Tampa. Dr. Diamond is arguably the national expert on Forgotten Baby Syndrome. His research formed the basis of the article, and here’s what he had to say about the outpouring of response:
“Some people, perhaps the most vocal, have a ‘me versus them’ mentality, which is that, ‘I am a good parent and I would never forget my child—only bad parents forget their children because they are thoughtless and negligent.’ This is a false distinction. I’ve sat with these parents in their homes and in the courtrooms. I’ve seen the suffering they endure on a daily basis. They constantly relive the day they forgot their child, wishing they could have that day to live again, this time to remember their child in the car.
I have known wonderful, attentive and loving parents who have forgotten their children. In an ironic twist, some have been as judgmental as your readers. They are parents like Lyn Balfour, who considered herself immune from forgetting her children and then became a member of the group of parents that had forgotten their kids. Here is an interview with her.
Finally, I can say from personal experience how easy it is to forget a child. No one can adore a child as much as I love my grandchild. But one day I was driving with my wife, and my 6-month-old grandchild was in the backseat. When we arrived at our destination I exited the car, ready to go to the store, and then my wife said to me: “Did you forget about the baby?” I had completely lost awareness that my grandchild was in the back seat. If I had been alone I might be one of those parents your readers judge so harshly. Imagine the irony and the headlines: ‘Memory expert forgets grandchild that dies in his car.’
All I can say to your readers is that this is a tragedy that truly can happen to anyone. We need to understand how this can happen and take steps, including developing technology, that can stop good parents from forgetting their kids in cars.”
Food for thought. I welcome your continued responses.
I have an idea that isn’t a solution but could reduce the number of deaths. Children are required to be buckled in. Why can’t cars be made with backseat buckle alarms that go off if you exit the car without unbuckling the backseat belts. Or something like that.
Jaymie, I like the way you think! I bet there are any number of great solutions to this problem. The car industry needs to hear from concerned people like you so they understand that consumers want better safety measures.
“Once you have a child, your life is not your own and the child comes first.” – The difficulty is that the life you had before having a child is still there after the child is born. Frantically juggling both is frequently the root cause of these horrifying situations. I myself find use of the term ‘syndrome’, which I normally think of as an involuntary and permanent medical condition–like Klinefelter’s Syndrome–rather than a fluid, unpredictable memory glitch, seems by focusing on the adult than the infant, to almost trivialize the tragic outcome. The take-home message? Even if you don’t have children, never have had children, and don’t plan to ever be near one, get in the habit of looking in your backseat before leaving and locking your car. Build that unnecessary, weird habit into your routine and you are far less likely to leave anything behind in the backseat. Including a child. Or a dog. Or even your umbrella/lunch/important item. The less effort you have to put into doing safe behaviours, the better. Which is why I use a magnet to hold anything I have to mail to the inside of my metal front door, and put anything I have to take with me either in a bag hanging off the front-door handle or on top of my shoes. If it won’t fit or sit in a bag/on top of my shoes, I post a photo. I’d rather do more work to prevent a glitch than kick myself when my usually excellent memory fails.
Brigid, I think it is the term “syndrome” that bothers people about this… but I agree with you regarding your take-home message. Regardless of what name these tragedies are given, they are happening to parents with loving intentions. I hope everyone who reads this article, whether they agree or not, has that take-home message or reminder in their head.
Great comment! I really like the idea of building safety routines into cars well before having a child (or a pet). Another big cause of hyperthermia (heat stroke) in cars is older preschoolers letting themselves into unlocked cars to play and then being unable to get out. Locking your car door as you exit is an additional safety habit that is beneficial.
And the tip about using a magnet to hold the mail in the car is amazing, I’m going to use that one for sure! Thanks!
I don’t understand why parents, in particular Mother’s have to be so hard on each other. Is it not hard enough to raise a child as it is? Then you throw on the added pressure of being constantly judge by other parents, it’s almost down right smothering. It is easy for each of us to look at what a parent did and say, “Oh, I would never do that!” All the while, that mother/father is grieving with such pain and disbelief, wishing they could turn back the hands of time and remember their child was with them. Not only does that parent have to deal with their own despair, but with family members and strangers judging them!!! I have forgotten my children, yes children, were with me in the car before. I was only lucky enough that they were 2 and 3 and half way to work they started talking to me, which only then, made me realize I had forgotten to drop them off at daycare while running late for work. We are all human and fallible, neither of us perfect! So quite judging others like you have it all figured out, because I don’t care what style of parenting your child you choose, there are always flaws and no parent is perfect!
I have helped raised 50 some birth, foster, and adoptive children over the years. During that time I was fortunate not to have lost a child due to forgetfulness. I did learn, however, how easy it is to forget a child–especially when the number of children changes. When my second birth child was just a few weeks old my husband and I decided to go out to dinner. We bundled our eldest son up and drove off to the restaurant. As we were driving something kept bugging me. We were half way to the restaurant when I realized we had a new son who we had left behind. I couldn’t believe both my husband and I had forgotten our new baby. Ever since, I have understood how and why people can accidentally leave their child some place.
Thank you for sharing, Betty. From reading the comments on this post on our Facebook page, I noticed that no one understands how it can happen until it happens to them. By speaking out, you’re doing your part to warn other loving parents about the possibility. I also thought your point that having a new addition to your family might increase the chance of it happening was a good one.
Thank you for being willing to share your story. We are all here to support each other and I hope that by at least entertaining the idea that “this could happen to me” will help save a life. And thank you for your service to children!
“Very few commenters expressed empathy for the families that claim to have forgotten their child.”
Ya think? In my mind, we are far too forgiving of parents who make breathtakingly stupid decisions (“She was out on the river, rafting with the other kids… I never thought she’d need a life jacket!”) and cause the death of their children. “Haven’t they suffered enough?” No, they haven’t suffered as much as their children did from their stupidity. Once you have a child, your life is not your own and the child comes first.
Incidentally, I’d recommend that your grandchild’s parents never let you drive alone with their child. Clearly this would be dangerous, by your own confession, which completely failed to instill in me any empathy whatever for careless, neglectful parents
I am with you on that…was not enlightened to any better understanding by that example.
I do believe we need to bring about a greater awareness – clearly – because this has happened so many times in recent years, but I have a problem with naming it a syndrome. The definition seems misapplied when the only link binding the event is that a child was forgotten.
Way to completely miss the point of the article, as well as fail to understand the difference between bad parenting and a legitimate mistake. Not to mention showing an astounding lack of empathy despite your stance of putting the children first (notice that the article never said they don’t come first). The article even states that people just like you have ended up forgetting their children, too. These people are not careless or neglectful, they are *human*. Humans make mistakes, and it’s easy to say that any mistake was one that only a careless or stupid person would make, but that’s usually not the case.
This is such a tragic topic and unfortunately, these articles have been getting too much negative feedback. Nobody can fully understand what these parents have gone through unless they have been in the same situation. This can happen to anybody and these articles really help make us aware. I don’t necessarily agree that there is such a thing as a forgotten baby syndrome but I can see how this can happen to the best parents out there.
When my girls were babies there were a couple of accounts when I forgot to buckle them into their infant car seat. I was so used to just being able to click the seat into the holder that there were a couple of times I had completely forgotten to actually buckle the belt. I never thought that I could do such a stupid thing and thank goodness nothing bad came of this but it was just one of those things that can happen to the best of us!
What a wonderful, balanced response to the attention your original blog post got! I am 100% guilty of thinking, “I would never do that!” and having a similar response to this being named a syndrome….just like I thought I’d never yell at my child, let him eat McDonald’s, or do many of the things I could not relate to until I was in that position. While those examples are obviously more minor than forgetting your child in a car, the point is we are all capable of mistakes and judging others when we haven’t walked in their shoes. If calling it a syndrome gets it more awareness and saves lives, so be it!