Parent Expectations and Picky Eating
Picky eating is a hot topic, and I bet if you have a picky eater, you spend a lot of time fretting about what he is eating (or not eating). You may even be spending lots of energy to “get” him to eat.
I believe one of the reasons picky eating overtakes the dinner table (and overcomes the parent) relates to how the parent responds to the picky eater.
Take this scenario:
Three-year-old Danny comes to the table and starts to fuss when he sees chicken and green beans. Even though his mom has Ranch dressing on hand as an enticing dip, Danny refuses to try anything and opts to drink milk. Danny seems content to sit at the table, but is completely uninterested in eating.
Dad says, “C’mon Danny, let’s try a bite of beans. Dip it in the dressing! It’s so yummy that way!”
Danny continues to refuse but has quieted down and even appears drowsy.
Mom looks at Dad and gets up and grabs some applesauce and a spoon and tries to offer Danny a bite from the spoon, at which point he starts to get fussy again.
She then gets up and gets Danny’s favorite yogurt. No luck.
Dad raises his voice slightly, with clear frustration, and asks his wife, “What can we give him? He needs to eat something!”
Both parents are upset and worried and Danny starts to wail.
Dinner has turned into a disaster.
Believe it or not, scenarios like this are happening all over the country: kids not eating well at mealtime, parents worrying and pulling all the stops to “get” their child to eat.
Perhaps the problem lies in “getting” the child to eat or the expectation that a certain food or an amount must be consumed for the meal to be a success. When parents entice, bribe, reward, or substitute food for the meal—just to “get” the child to eat—it often backfires, ending in a meltdown, a negative experience, and maybe even with the child learning to eat for the wrong reason: a parent’s expectation rather than appetite.
What are your expectations with your child’s eating?
It is your job to put healthy food in front of your child, it is their job to determine how much they will eat. This is frustratingly simple but true. As long as there is at least one nutritious food eat each meal that your child will (usually) eat, then there is no need to coax, cajole or beg. You will both end up exhausted.
My expectation with my 3 yr old is that he joins us for all meals and (usually) at least tries what we are having. Some meals he eats nothing, others he has seconds…my mantra is that in this country we have an obesity epidemic, not a kids-are-too-skinny epidemic, so don’t force feed them! They eat when hungry, and not forcing food helps them recognize their own hunger cues and understand when they are full and to stop eating. It also makes meal times amazingly less stressful for everyone!
My son is only 17 months old, but I don’t really worry so much about how much he eats. I give him a healthy variety at most meals. Sometimes he eats well, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he doesn’t eat well for a meal or two or even for a few days at a time and sometimes he’s insatiable! Today he told me he wanted to “eat eat” lunch about an hour early. I gave him the food, he played with it for a while, ate some of it, and then told me he was “done.” I thought he would ask to eat again before his nap, but he didn’t. I give him a daily vitamin, so I don’t worry so much if he doesn’t eat so well every day. I know he will eat when he’s hungry, and he has the healthy foods in front of him, so he’ll eat that! 🙂 he also eats what we eat for dinner. Sometimes he mostly plays with it, and sometimes he practically inhales it! And it doesn’t matter what it is…like burgers. He ate 1/2 a burger one night and then refused to even eat a bite of the same burger the next day. I kind of see it like breastfeeding…they’ll eat when they’re hungry.
Hmmm… This sounds like dinner at my house every night. Our expectation is that our daughter (4-years-old) try a bite of the foods on her plate. If it is something new, we have to prompt her to try them and it’s not always pretty. She is not a huge eater and has a low appetite at dinner (high at breakfast). She would hardly eat a thing if we let her. I’m wondering if we should rethink our expectations? If she goes to bed hungry often enough, will she learn to eat?