The 5 kinds of moms who craft with their kids
From macrame plant hangers to friendship pins to Rainbow Loom, it’s a time-honored tradition for moms to craft with children. It’s also a time-honored tradition for moms to channel their psychological issues when they craft with children.
1. Pinterest Mom. This mom needs the craft to.look.perfect. Perfect! She owns a laminating machine and carries a T-square in her homemade, bamboo-handled quilting purse. She tells her kids things like, “ No! Crisper edges! Did you measure that? More like this… Fold straight! No, cut on the bias! ON THE BIAS!” She looks more uncomfortable than Martha Stewart making jeweled Easter eggs with some kids they trotted out onto the set to make her look warm and approachable: “No, little Tommy -er- Joey -er -you…we use the dremel drill to make a teardrop shape in the egg. You made an ellipse. We work in the pewter paste counterclockwise—you went clockwise so we’ll just toss this one and start over….”
Pinterest Mom lasts about seven minutes before she pushes the kid aside and finishes the craft herself.
2. OCD Mom. This mom doesn’t care about the craft’s end-state; all she cares about is that no mess is made along the way. She firmly believes that creativity has its place in life, and its place is in a designated, carpet-less corner of the basement next to the water heater. Her kids can’t begin crafting until she’s outfitted them with protective tunics cut from garbage bags. She says things like, “Make sure you keep the crayons in order. ROYGBIV! ROYGBIV! No, those scissors go on the left side of the scissor caddy! Left side. Not so much glue! It’ll drip! Oh! It’s dripping… Stop!! Oh dear God, the cap’s not on the glitter! I repeat, THE CAP’S NOT ON THE GLITTER! You know what, let’s just take a clean-up break.”
If OCD Mom allows play dough in her home at all, she demands that the colors stay in their designated containers and never intermix.
3. Artsy Fartsy Mom. This mom thinks every twig and milk carton her kids touch are works of art waiting to happen. She says things like, “I like the way you’re using all your art senses by licking that pigeon feather, Aidan;” and “where is our imagination going to take these pinecones we harvested today?” Artsy Fartsy mom is very skinny because she can never find her refrigerator. It’s buried under four layers of paper plate animal heads, finger-paint murals, and leaf wads.
Artsy Fartsy Mom makes her own play dough and isn’t afraid to use it.
4. Shouldn’t Go Near a Glue Gun Mom. This mom absolutely loves crafting and absolutely sucks at it. She never learned to hold scissors properly and makes a simple lunch bag puppet look like one of Picasso’s love interests. She refuses to use rulers, hole punchers, or find her glasses because “that takes too long” and “what’s the fun in that?” At least one closet in her house is crammed with half-done crafts that she’ll “finish one day.” Her kids end up using rusty hedge clippers, duct tape, and twine for their school projects because she forgets where she puts everything.
Most SGNGG Moms bombed the spatial reasoning portion of the SAT exam.
5. Do-Over Mom. This mom calmly lets her kids make the craft all by themselves and then secretly reconstructs it afterward. Do-Over Mom is the passive aggressive version of Pinterest Mom.